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Released: May 08th, 2013
Running Time: 82 Min.
Director: Van Anderson
Company: DreamZone Entertainment
Distribution Companies: Vantage Distribution
DVD Extras: Behind the Scenes, Non-Sex Version, Still Gallery(ies), Trailer(s)
Cast: Billy Glide, Ralph Long, Tommy Pistol, Katie St. Ives, Evan Stone, Michael Vegas, Gia Grace, Diana Prince, Anissa Kate
Non-sex Roles: Ron Jeremy
Critical Rating: AAAA 1/2
Genre: Parody - Comedy
With high hopes of porn stardom, Daniel's mother moves the family out to California. While she pursues her dreams and every dick in town, Daniel aspires to fend off the local bullies. Sympathetic to his plight, Daniel's perverted neighbor Mr. Miyagi trains him to fight. With the karate tournament just a day away, will Daniel be ready? Will his insatiable mother stop craving cock? Will a double-penetration scene slow down the evil Cobra Kai? Answers to these questions and more are revealed in "The Karate Kid XXX."
All the ingredients are assembled. The source material is a beloved 1984 teen comedy that spawned three sequels and a contemporary remake. Add in a script by adult auteur David Stanley. Mix with Tommy Pistol and Evan Stone goofing on said script in the lead roles, surrounded by an assortment of hot women of varied types. Cook up the requisite five sex scenes and it’s a recipe for (selling like) hotcakes.
In brief, the Karate Kid (Pistol) is Daniel, a transplanted Jerseyite. Mom (Diana Prince) has come out to the San Fernando Valley to make it as a porn star. She’s already hooked up with a big-dicked Neanderthal (Billy Glide) who spends his time operating a karate school when he isn’t banging Mom and bashing Daniel.
The local boys are just as crude; our hero gets shoved around when he comes across Michael Vegas and Ralph Long putting busty beauty Anissa Kate through an initiation rite, which involves double penetration (it is Porn Valley, after all). Daniel gets a little sympathy from Katie St. Ives (donning a blond wig to play the Elisabeth Shue part) before he’s chased off.
Daniel needs help, and he finds it in the form of Mr. Miyagi (Stone), a pervy karate expert who’s got a secret move that will vanquish all foes: the Golden Parachute. Said tactic is the main joke here, so we won’t give away exactly what it is, but it does involve a part of Stone’s anatomy (which, by the way, we get to see up close in his sex scene with pretty Gia Grace).
The best dialog, though, is an inside joke that pokes fun at the production itself: “When’s the tournament?” Daniel asks. “Tomorrow,” Miyagi says. “What? I mean, what happened to the whole, like, montage?” Daniel says, summing about half of the original movie. Miyagi answers, “No time. Ten-page script. Only time for sex and barely enough time for chopstick scene.”
Despite the hurried pace, director Van Anderson does manage to work in a short training montage, which Pistol makes quite entertaining. That and his sex scene with St. Ives are the highlights.