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Released: Dec 01st, 1998
Running Time: 95
Director: Slain Wayne
Company: Extreme Associations
Cast: Lizzy Borden, Nikki Love, Luciano (I), Kelly Dean, Erica Lockett, Tony Eveready, Elle DeVyne, Porsha, Intrusion, Tom Byron, Chris Cannon, Van Damage
Critical Rating: AAAA 1/2
Remember the people who couldn\'t get enough of last year\'s cult hit, Texas Dildo Masquerade? There\'s your customer base.
You're a guy who knows his way around a sexvid, right? So you've seen this development before: A new, young (well, youngish) director making his mark with a distinctive style that sets established smut-mavens and critics at each other's throats with heated debates about said director's validity. Like Matt Zane with his Gen-X Porn. Or Johnny Toxic's Punk-Porn. Or Rob Black's Hide-The-Knives-From-The-Feminists-Porn.
And now it's time to add a new one to your list: Horror-Core, courtesy of underground filmmaker Slain Wayne (Debbie Does Damnation). While his choice of a Tales From the Crypt take-off isn't anything the industry hasn't seen before, his take on it is anything but standard: Monsters with wrinkly balls, zombies with diverse tastes for human flesh, priapic vampires, and man-made fuck-boys in rubber undies dot the fairgrounds of Wayne's imagination like so many smelly Port-A-Poitties. Think of it as a XXX-rated GWAR show, with all of the tongue-in-cheek sensibilities and cheesy effects you'd expect from such a glorious event.
Legendary Hollywood gore-band singer Dukey Flyswatter (Haunted Garage, Fox Twat) essays the role of the Crypt Keeper--here, called the Clit Master. Dukey's all tarted up in his best gold-glittered girlie-togs, Dolly Parton wig and fangs; and he infuses each of the introductions to the five vingettes with a unique twist. (Our pick: The one where he grips his big business tightly and waves it through the flame of a lit candle. Wave a Best Non-Sex pre-nom in his direction as well.)
"Porno Flick From Hell" best typifies Terrors' sardonic humor and creative spirit. A satirical take on early '70s porn (and, just maybe, a resounding fuck-you to hippie consciousness) as it stars Elle DeVyne and a black-wigged Van Damage as a couple of horny acid heads whose lysergic luau is disturbed by the apparition of scary "Devil Dude" Tom Byron. Van's saucer-eyed expressions of fright are every bit as priceless as the shots of his fist trembling in anticipation (or something) as he eases his dick into Elle's asshole. Hard-driving anal action is augmented with animated sequences, and one truly inspired claymation segment wherein Van's cock disintegrates after he shoots on Elle's tongue. Another of our faves--arguably, the best in the vid from a sexual standpoint--is "Night of the Living Head." After Kelly Dean and Charles Dahmer's romantic clinch in a graveyard is interrupted by a hungry zombie (Luciano), Kelly alone escapes, only to be met by Luc's equally decaying pal Van. She ends up with a mouthful of Van-gina, and two zombie-cocks thrusting their way to glory in each of her nether holes. Both boys blow terrifically gloppy loads all over Kelly's pretty face, without fucking up her frosted eye shadow. That's professionalism.
Other highlights include "Vampire Lustiness", which showcases Luciano and Chris Cannon as vampires who anally prey on strippers Lizzy Borden and Erica Lockett (marvel as Borden's uterus takes a four-fingered how-d'ya-do from Cannon before a scorching cowgirl slam). Luciano shows up yet again in "Sexy Stitches", as the creation of Van's weird-ass Dr. Frankenstein, giving lab assistants Porsha and Intrusion a little something extra for their petri dishes.
Obviously, this vid isn't for everyone. All the blood and violence--even as cartoonishly exaggerated as it is--will probably offend your more conservative customers. And it's a safe bet that porn purists who vomit at the mere mention of extraneous goings-on during sex (like performers fucking in character) are going to feel their gorge rise the second they pop the tape into the VCR.
No, this one isn't for them. Recommend, instead, to those rare individuals who posess a well-developed sense of ironic perspective and a taste for the strange.