Released: May 01st, 1996
Running Time: 114
Directors: Jace Rocker, Jim Enright
Company: VCA Platinum Pictures
Cast: Peter North, Tony Tedeschi, Taylor Hayes, Roxanne Hall, Sofia Ferrari, Eric Price, T.T. Boy, Tera Heart, Jessica James, Tom Byron, Micky Lynn, Coralie, Jonathan Morgan
Critical Rating: AAAAA
War... huh! What is it good for? Absolutely everything, according to director Jim Enright's hilarious romp through the Fatherland. More than a mere historic excursion, Hienie's Heroes consistently delivers sexy frauleins chowing down the human knockwurst and more laughs per minute than a canister full of nitrous gas. Full of corny one-liners and witty double-entendres, it's laden with a hearty borrowing of the old Charlie Chaplin classic The Great Dictator with a salute to Mel Brooks' The Producers' "Springtime for Hitler" segment.
Set in pre-war (where else?) Germany, principals Jonathan Morgan and Enright come to the disgusted realization that the Fatherland's economy just ain't what it used to be. They need a good old fashioned war to boost the sagging economy, and need a mighty dictator to take the reins and restore their beloved "Vulgaria" to its former glory. But who would be stupid enough to lead their once-great country into war? The answer lies beneath their collective proboscises, in the form of fearlessly horny wallpainter/paperhanger Tony Tedeschi, in a screechingly nutty, nominations-worthy performance. He screams "Heil ME! Oy, heil me!" with each orgasm, letting his tongue take a hike through the mossy labial hills of the gorgeous, Brooklynese-spouting Tera Heart, right into a three-way with delectable French pastry Coralie, who licks the swollen-nippled Hart as she gently shoves and then retrieves a pearl necklace from Heart's fudge tunnel.
Realizing they must overthrow the Stalinesque Kaiser (T.T. Boy, with his Lee Press-On Whiskers flapping tenaciously in the breeze), the newly-appointed Frankenfuhrer and his faithful sidekick, Field Marshall Tom Byron (looking like the mad love child of Chico Marx & Yahoo Serious) hatch a plot to destroy all the books in the land, eliminate all the intellectuals & opposers and then instill in the remaining populace their party's mind-set, with the slogan: Don't be a dumbkopf/Be a smarty/Join the Ratzi Party! Along the way, they lock horns with the soon-to-invade dictator of Genitalia, a wisecracking, bald Ron Jeremy, who, with Peter North, take turns d.p.'ing sexy Italian import Sofia Ferrari upon Jeremy's desk and then practically drown her in a cum-drenched, facial Bavarian cream-pie. English Muffin Roxanne Hall visits T.T. in jail, and uplifts his spirits first with her impromptu bump 'n' grind against the bars of his cell, and then by expertly spit-polishing his sausage, culminating into a jailhouse ass-fucking buffet, doggie-style.
Taylor Hayes is the Kaiser's fiercely loyal daughter who, after a failed assassination attempt, ably plies Morgan's weiner with her schnitzel. The resulting table top fuck sees Morgan's hands spreading open her lusciously sleek butt cheeks to reveal the puckered gem within, as he furiously sinks h is Bismarck ever deeper into her tightly straining pussy. The dames later join forces (as well as their tongues to each other's creaming snatches) for a little old fashioned female-bonding, as Hall & Heart show Hayes that there are plenty of things a woman can do better than a man. Award-winning writer Jace Rocker (1996 AVN award winner; Best Screenplay, Video) doesn't scrimp with the steamy sex scenes or campy humor. Hienie's Heroes righteously mixes sexy performances, great set designs, and -- did I neglect to mention the humor yet?