Crystal Gold, of the title, is certainly one awesome-looking package, but her pairings, as well as the other one-on-one couplings, produce temperatures in the warm-to-hot range.

Instead of the obligatory lame plot line, we have the uncredited Ron Jeremy reading aloud from his even lamer X-rated "poetry," the words of which are then essentially acted out by the players.

Ron: Ezra Pound you ain't. And retailers: this one's pretty borderline. Flip a coin.