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Released: Oct 01st, 1991
Running Time: 90
Directors: Scotty Fox, Isabelle Snow
Company: VCA Platinum
Cast: Joey Silvera, Candace Heart, Randy West, Tianna (III), J.B. (I), Mike Horner, Bionca (I), Jeanna Fine, Aja (I), Missy Warner, Herman, Britt Morgan, Madison (I), Angela Summers, Ron Jeremy
Critical Rating: AAAA
Talk about flashbacks of North Dallas Forty and Semi-Tough! Only Game in Town?? is a testosterone-heavy, sexually stunning football story populated with gimpy-knee'd jocks, whiny-voiced oversexed cheerleaders, inveterate wiseacres, and stumblebum lowdowns. In other words, just another day on the 50-yard line.
As the video opens, we've just witnessed a game that's been a demolition derby of old battered bodies. Randy West is out like a cheap 75 watt light, but cheerleader Madison revives him by sucking on his down marker. Santa Monica Surfin' Angels veteran quarterback B.D. Cooper (Joey Silvera) is not much better off, either – he's literally on his last legs. The smart advice would tell Joey to take off and disappear like his initialed namesake, D.B. Cooper, but Joey's stubborn ("I know I'm old, but there's always steroids") and figures he's still got it in him. God, that steroid joke would have been funny before we learned of Lyle Alzado.
B.D. gets his wisdom from the Playboy Advisor and thus talks with a lot of macho overbite. But there's no fire left in this guy. B.D. kind of like hangs around, throws a football and talks footballese, but there aren't any of the Joey-expected convolutions wrapping themselves around this character's noggin. Maybe we've been spoiled a little by past Joey performances.
While going through rehab, B.D. develops the hots for physical therapist, Candace Heart. Does Joey make it back in time for the playoffs? Gee, we really don't know because the video kind of leaves that up in the air, and there hasn't been talk about a sequel.
Which leaves the core essence of the story up to the cheerleaders themselves, who, in a number of sex scenes (ten all told) seismically undulate the penile district of the team-at-large. Particular mention should be made of a nice, protracted T & A scene centered around a strip record trivia quiz game. This, of course, culminates in a lascivious tongue and finger-probing daisy chain; Point of note should also be made of Bionca's opening anal arouser with Peter North and, later, her masturbation stint on a pool table. It's completely pulverizing. Likewise, Candace ("when I'm getting it up the ass, I like knowing it's a real dick") Hart has a wonderful girl-girler with Jeanna Fine.
Filled with I'm hip-you-try-to-figure-it-out esoteric statements, Only Game in Town?? telegraphs some of its plays, but leaves it up to the pom-pom girls to put the points on the board. It's a babe extravaganza.