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Released: Nov 01st, 1987
Running Time: 65
Company: Vivid Entertainment Group
Cast: Tina Orchid, Abigail Clayton, Annette Haven, Patricia Lee, Blair Harris, Amber Hunt
Critical Rating: AA
Unknowing buyers and renters of this film may start to watch and think, "My, Annette Haven seems to be looking younger and younger all of the time." Yes, she really does look young and good in this film. However, there is one catch. She looked good in this same film approximately 10 years ago. Once Upon Annette is a repackaging of the 1970s film Cave Women.
The film is basically purposeless, but for viewers who have been weaned on low-budget shot-on-video features that look like they are made in someone's bedroom, Annette may be interesting to watch.
Annette plays an archeologist who has invented a time machine. Confronted with a choice of how to use it, she does what every normal person would do. She brings CroMagnon men and women to the present time so she can study their sexual habits. What this makes for is an outdoor rampage of sex in spacious green pastures that is filmed beautifully.
The film stagnates quickly as grunts and groans are the only dialogue besides Annette's "Wild Kingdom"-like introduction of each segment. She is studying prehistoric subjects from Africa, Europe and Asia, and the audience is treated to a systematic and perfunctory view of first the Africans, then the Europeans, then the Asians, and then all of the combinations. The sex ranges from an intense scene with the Asians, to a silly orgy including all of the CroMagnons and Annette.
Instead of dialogue there are some subtitles that do add to the movie. For example, after the Asians finish, "Eat Chinese and 1/2 hour later you want more," is flashed up on the screen.
All in all, the movie is only worthwhile if you want to reminisce about the "old" Annette Haven. I have one question; "who circumcised these CroMagnon men?"