Released: Jul 01st, 1987
Running Time: 80
Director: Robert McCallum
Company: Essex Video
Cast: Jeanna Fine, Scott Irish, Nikki Knights, Nina Hartley, Randy West, Barbara Dare, Herschel Savage, Erica Boyer, Dina Deville
Critical Rating: AAA
By the burning balls of Balzaar and the salty semen of Sentarius, this Barbaraian Barbara is not to be trifled with – or risk losing your whatchamacallit to the swift stroke of her broadsword.
Given the industry’s propensity to jump on something current, it seems a little bit incongruous to be hit by a Conan-style vid at this stage of the game. Albeit, knave, Barbara doth deliver the goods, where it counts. Interestingly enough, Hugh Jorgan’s witty script overrides the so-so sexual interludes and stands on its own merits, making it one of the best pieces of tongue-in-cheek writing to come along in awhile.
Tyrannus (Randy West) has kidnapped Valeria (Dina Deville) to be his virgin bride. Tyrannus is a would-be king whose courtly garb looks like something between a conehead and a fugitive from a deck of Tarot cards. Barbara is not too thrilled with Tyrannus’ power play, since Valeria happens to be her sister.
Court magician and part-time Vegas comic, Argon (Herschel Savage) sees personally that Valeria flunks the virgin test. Argon, who cuts up like Shecky Green, is willing to deflower her for the good of an underground revolution which is about to deflower Tyrannus is a more sexually active way. But, ahh, Barbara gets to the palace before the uprising. This sets the stage for a to-the-death sex contest between Barbara and Tyrannus – something called the “Sumerian Pickle Wiggle” or along those lines. You know Barbara’s going to win this one in order to give us a sequel. Besides, Tyrannus keeps referring to her as “Babs” – enough to get anyone’s barbarian blood boiling.
Although this is supposed to be the Hyborian age when the sons and daughters of Atlantis are engaged in gratuitous rape, pillage and plunder, everyone here looks like they stepped out of a Van Nuys beauty salon. Barbara one-lines like Groucho Marx, Erica Boyer bebops around with his feral look in her eye. Herschel tweaks his eyebrows, and Peter north plays one more in what’s becoming a long list of shackled slaves of submission roles.