I never thought I would actually suffer watching a Traci Lords feature. But I guess there's a first time for everything. Actually, Traci Takes Tokyo is full of firsts for a lot of people.

It's the first time with a girl for Japanese actor Toshi. And guess who the lucky "stiff" gets to lose his virginity to? And Traci says Toshi is the first virgin she's ever had. Hard to believe, right? Well try to believe some Japanese girls actually having an octopus tentacle (yep, a real one) shoved in her vagina. Or better yet, how 'bout a bird's eye view of Traci deep throating the camera. It really makes you feel like the "bird", if you know what I mean.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. After all, Traci is her usual stunning self, and plays both the sensual and hard-lover type to the hilt (the only reason this project gets a AA rating). The video quality, for the most part, is razor sharp and there are no audio problems.

But there are other problems. There's the fact Traci seems like a prize being given to this group of foreign "actors" for who knows what reason. They all seem to idolize her, and you get the feeling if she said "bark!" you'd have the best dog show in the world. Also, all the dialogue between sex scenes consists of Traci being asked questions in Japanese, either by a faceless director or her Japanese co-stars, which is translated by an invisible translator. And maybe I can't understand the language, but I know there's something wrong when someone off-screen says something and the performers stop what they are doing and change positions.

It's great to see Traci back and working, but it's a shame to see her in such a production as this. And from her own company! Hopefully, she will be more selective in her future roles.

And please! No more seafood-substitutes for love aids!