"Plexiglass is out provider. It saves us from evil smegma."

Book of Clams, Chapter 41, Verse VII

I looked for this Book of Clams – the "bible " for these aliens of the future. They received a videocassette from 1980's Earth and placed it in their vaginal video playback unit. They get to watch video features this way, studying us earthlings and our sexual behavior. But I couldn't find this Book of Clams, not in Doubleday, not in B. Dalton's . . . nowhere.

So these aliens get to see Traci Lords and Nicole West in the most erotic, hottest video sex scene so far this year. Did these future beings ever see lesbian sex before? They actually had no comment when they saw a leathered-up Francois Papillon put it up some girl's rear. And they had comments like "Male-Female tube tunneling and crevasse planting: when people such as Marc Wallace and Andrea Britton go from sexy modeling to hard and raunchy fornication.

What these aliens are treated to is something that us earthlings rarely get to see – teasing and taunting before every sex scene. It provides perfect foreplay to the steamy proceedings. Then the aliens, Traci Duzit and Craig Roberts, show us viewers everything they've learned in a strange, funky and yes, futuristic sexual romp. I guess they do have it better on the planet Zolan. And watch out for the Plexiglass.